“I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!” – Frank Costanza
I hope no one takes this post to mean that I don’t like Fan Fest. Because I do. It’s awesome and baseball-y and the sort of connection with the fans that teams should do more of. It’s especially great for kids, and we all know those little bundles of sunshine are the future baseball fans of Seattle.
However, based on the Pineda trade and Prince signing, Mariner Land needs an outlet for their collective frustrations. An airing of grievances if you will.
Hence, I present to you, Fan Festivus.
Of course, the most important part of Fan Festivus would be the Airing of Grievances. Each player, coach, and key front office personnel would gather around the Fan Festivus Pole and be subjected to the fans letting rip their emotions. This would go both ways and the players, coaches, and front office personnel could let rip their frustrations with the fans. It would be cathartic and heal the wounds of a fan base that has along felt betrayed by the Organization.
Also, it’s really fun to tell people how you really feel!
Any aggression still left over from the Airing of Grievances would be unleashed in the Feats of Strength. What Mariner fan out there doesn’t want to wrestle Chuck Armstrong?!
(Naturally, the Seattle Police, King County Sheriffs Deputy, Washington State Patrol, and National Guard will all be fully deployed to deal with the crazies and rabble rousers.)
Then, the roof would close over the angry, exhausted Mariner masses. The crowd will declare it to be a Fan Festivus Miracle. And we’ll walk away into the night, happy and satisfied in a way that buying free agents could never make us.