Last Games, First Games, and the Meaning of Baseball

img_7385The first game in his scorebook is the last game at the Kingdome.

I bought tickets as a Father’s Day present. Taking cash I had saved from high school babysitting gigs to the Bellevue Square Mariners Team Store the day tickets went on sale, I secured two 300-level seats behind the left field foul pole. I presented them in a homemade card, poking fun at wanting to say goodbye even though the Kingdome wasn’t a “real” baseball stadium. He grew up outside Boston, going to games at Fenway Park. I only had the Kingdome, which may not have been “real”, but I loved it for the childhood baseball memories it gave me.

I found that card in the top drawer of his dresser after he died. The scorebook was in his office, never finished. If you’re keeping score at home as he often did his last year, the final game he kept was Game 6 of the 2011 World Series, the game we thought would be his last. A game he was too sick to stay awake to finish. In between is the first season Opening Day at Safeco Field, continuing our tradition of skipping school and work for the first toothsome taste of baseball. There are my brother’s Little League games, which only identify the players by their first name. I scored a handful of Mariners games in my tiny high school writing, dating them using the European style because that was my thing then.

I finished Game 6 in his scorebook, my light, swirly writing contrasting with his assertive, bold script. He taught me to keep score, an inning here an inning there, so that I’d be able to keep up the game when he needed a bathroom break. Eventually, I started scoring games I went to with friends. He taught me his method of scoring, but I rebelled as every teenager does and developed my own techniques (my brother once took a glance at my scorebook and told me I was doing it wrong). A scorebook became as essential to me as a ticket for attending a baseball game.

The season after he died, I started taking his scorebook to games with me, abandoning my own. It documents a miserable Mariners era. The names in the lineups include Chone Figgins, Justin Smoak, and Miguel Olivo (oh, the humanity!). But there are also University of Washington games and Tacoma Rainiers games. Even that awful Mariners lineup yielded one great entry. I was in Dallas visiting family and witnessed Figgins and Co. score 22 runs at the Ballpark in Arlington with my non-baseball fan sister. It’s unlikely that our loved ones above really have an influence on sporting events, but helping his adopted team humiliate his youngest brother’s adopted team while I was in town to rub it in is definitely something my dad would do.

I had a dream about him shortly after we returned from Dallas. I filled him in on my life in the months since he died. The first thing I told him about was the game against the Rangers, being there with my sister, and giving his youngest brother a good ribbing over the score. I told him about recording it in his scorebook.

I toted that scorebook to games until I found myself with one page left.

The last game taunted me. It couldn’t be just a regular Mariners game. It had to be special. I thought about inviting my brother to a game for that final page. He was a big part of my baseball childhood and a fellow inheritor of our father’s fandom. I thought about bringing it to a game against his Red Sox. I thought about waiting until something really great happened, and copying it into the scorebook.

I almost brought it to a game last year when I was pregnant. King Felix versus the Yankees. I declared publicly (on Facebook, so it’s canon) that if Felix threw a no-hitter or beaned Alex Rodriguez in the face, my unborn child, boy or girl, would be named Felix. It started out well. Felix was throwing a very good game. Then, the rains came. The grounds crew danced between innings while the roof closed, and the pitcher’s mound was neglected. Sticky mud clung to Felix’s cleats as he lost his command and his very good game. A-Rod’s pretty face remains unmarred, and I won’t have to send my daughter to therapy for her name (there will be other reasons, I’m sure).

That last game.

Maybe I would leave it blank forever, a symbol that although he was gone my dad’s baseball fandom wasn’t over; it was still living through me.

His death was the most challenging thing I had faced. The stages of grief-the anger, the bargaining, the denial-all started the day I learned he’d had an abnormal colonoscopy. You don’t move smoothly through the stages; when you think you’ve reached acceptance, the anger rears up again.

It’s been almost five years. I have come to accept almost everything. The cancer. My mom losing the love of her life. Never watching another game with him. Not having him see me get my life together. It’s all okay. But the one thing I haven’t been able to accept is not knowing him as a grandfather to my children. I don’t know if I ever will.

He always knew the right words and as I battled to cope with a newborn that wouldn’t sleep, I needed those words. As I worked to find my footing with a baby, I needed him to tell me about his mistakes. When I was hit with the magnitude of what it meant to be a parent, I needed him to assure me it was going to be okay. Those waves of grief hit me all over again as I struggled with not having him there.

Before my daughter was born, I thought often about her first baseball game. I didn’t know if I wanted to take her as a baby, or when she was old enough to remember. It would be fun to have pictures of her at a game as a baby, to tell her she had been a fan her whole life. There’s also a compelling specialness to waiting until she was old enough to remember, for her to have both a special moment and a special memory.

Then, on the day of the game, we were offered great tickets to see the Mariners retire Ken Griffey Jr.’s number. We packed up the baby and brought her to her first game. We took pictures and we got the commemorative First Game certificate. I cut out and saved the game story from the newspaper the next morning.

She liked the airplanes flying overhead. She enjoyed entertaining the people sitting behind us. She took a short nap while the grownups relived childhood memories and watched through misty eyes as the number of the greatest player we may ever see was retired.

This baby has no idea she is going to hear endless stories about Ken Griffey Jr. and other Mariners as she grows up, the same way I heard about Carl Yastrzemski, Ted Williams, and Pumpsie Green, the first player my dad had me look up in the Baseball Encyclopedia he gave me for Christmas.

She has no idea she will be back to the ballpark many times. She will hear our stories and our memories, and she’ll make her own. The players of her childhood will be special in a way that only childhood players can be.

Maybe she’ll fall in obsessive love with baseball like I did, maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll learn to score and keep her own scorebooks. Maybe she’ll think it’s boring and spend her future baseball games in the ‘Pen (please, dear God, no, but of course I’ll love her anyway). Maybe she’ll have a younger sister or brother who will be far more into baseball. Maybe they’ll all hate it.

So many things for kids are really for parents. Birthday parties, Christmas, and first baseball games among them.

Taking her to that game means far more to me than it could ever mean to her. It’s a small connection between my dad, me, and the granddaughter I know he would have loved incalculably.

That’s the essence of baseball right there. The past is alive in the present. Games end, seasons fade into the next, players retire, and fans grow up, have kids, and die. But it all remains and it all matters. My dad is there in my memories. He is present in the rituals of baseball and the emotion that surrounds it. The best thing I inherited from him may not be my baseball fandom after all; it may be the understanding that the past matters.

There are no endings. There are only beginnings.

The last game in his scorebook is his granddaughter’s first game.


Feelings, Oh, Oh, Feelings

“Well, actually…”

That’s how it begins. You make a statement like, “I love this player” or “I think such and such player is really fun to watch in the outfield” or “It’s so great how so and so fights during at bats.”

Then, they gotta come at you with the stats and analysis, and reasons why you are so wrong and so naïve and how dare you even have an opinion on baseball that doesn’t involve spray charts and pitch locations and a paper and a pencil for the calculations. We can do math problems to find out so much about baseball now, and I actually think that’s pretty great. For the most part. I tend more toward the emotional than the rational when it comes to baseball though.

That’s part of the reason I thought the heartbreaking end to the Mariners’ season was actually pretty great.

It was all feeling, all emotion. There were no stats, no analytics, nothing to tell us why it was so different. And it was so different.

I listened to Saturday night’s Mariners game on a drive back from Portland. I’ve been following as closely as I could in a way that I haven’t in years.

Two years ago, the Mariners post-season fate came down to the final game. They played 162 meaningful games. This year, only 161. So it’s probably strange that I’m saying things like, “I haven’t felt this way in 15 years” and “I love the pain because it’s been so long since I’ve felt it.”

Because, it should have been like this two years ago, right?

But it wasn’t. We all know it wasn’t.

I didn’t like that 2014 team. I didn’t enjoy watching them. They weren’t fun.
This team is fun. The players are likeable. I enjoy rooting for them. There was real passion in the way they played. Real wanting. Real desire. I watched them play and I wanted that Wild Card so bad. I knew, I felt, that they wanted it to.

Maybe the craziest thing is that actually making the playoffs matters so much less to me than having a team I enjoy watching the whole 162 game season. It’s tough to enjoy a team if it isn’t a playoff contender, so of course that’s part of it. It’s just not the only part of it.

The spray charts and pitch counts and paper and pencil for calculations are important. Nerdy stats have always been and will always be a fixture of baseball.

How it makes us feel is baseball’s heart and core. I haven’t felt this way in 15 years. I hope I feel this way next season.

I want it so bad.

Pitch, Please

Sure, it will appeal to baseball fans. But, will it appeal to women?

Women don’t like baseball the sport. We like reality TV, and we need story lines that are delicately tailored to our simple woman brains.

How could we like baseball the sport? We don’t get to dream the dream where you play center field for the Yankees and hit a walk-off home run to win the World Series. That’s not our dream. That’s a boy dream.

Girl dreams are weddings and babies and falling in love. Not sports.

I knew the only appropriate dreams were girl dreams, but there I was, a girl kid, working on my control by throwing a tennis ball against the garage door (sorry, neighbors), and practicing diving outfield catches in the backyard. I also wrote stories. My favorite character was Lisa Marquette, an opinionated, smart, athletic girl who happened to love baseball. I had played t-ball on a boys’ team in second grade. I was the only girl and stuck out in the team picture with my pink corduroy pants. Alas, my baseball career ended at the t-ball level because I have no athletic talent. This has nothing to do with my femaleness; I just inherited terrible athletic genes. So, I dreamed vicariously through the stories I wrote about Lisa.

She was a pitcher because I was obsessed with the way Greg Maddux studied and toyed with batters and because I couldn’t get over Jamie Moyer soft-tossing his way through Major League lineups. Lisa played on boys’ teams through Little League and became a starting pitcher on her high school team, throwing fastballs and changeups, and later in high school, a devastating 12 to 6 curveball (I was responsible with my fictional character’s arm and didn’t give her a breaking pitch until later, even though she didn’t have a Major League career to protect). She wasn’t a power hitter, but she could make contact, and she was fast. An Ichiro before I’d ever heard of him.

But, of course, I’m not really a baseball fan for I am a woman. Those stories must have been all about the drama and trying to fall in love (She plays against her future husband in high school. When she strikes him out 3 times in a game, he tips his cap to her).

That’s why it’s odd that while I watched the Pitch pilot, I felt it in the same place those stories came from. That dream of doing what people say can’t be done. Of succeeding where you aren’t wanted and aren’t supposed to be.

That dream of just being able to have that dream.

So, yes. Pitch does appeal to women. Because women are baseball fans. Because we saw our brothers and male friends have “realistic” Major League dreams and knew we were left out. Because we don’t just dig the long ball. A well-pitched game and a sharply turned double play resonate with us too.

Pitch appeals to female baseball fans more than it could ever appeal to “real” male fans. Because men had permission to dream that dream. Even though few have a realistic shot at making it, it’s still a valid dream if you’re born a boy.

A firestorm erupted when a review of Pitch suggested that women may not like it because it was about baseball. Internet readers become irate when a writer called the show’s premise science fiction. A wonderful Twitter hashtag full of pictures of women at the ballpark, #ThisIsWhatABaseballFanLooksLike, started trending. It’s only proof that, well, actually, women are baseball fans.

And we want that dream too.


Me, during my illustrious t-ball career with the Hazelwood Athletic Club

The Redemption of a Red Head

Ron Fairly was right. About everything.

It’s not that I ever thought he was wrong, really, just vociferously repetitious. He used to drive me up the wall with those maxims that he repeated over and over and over.

“The hardest play an outfielder has to make is on a ball hit right at him.”

“You gotta keep the ball down. You know why I say keep the ball down? Well, when was the last time you saw a 400 foot ground ball?”

“Those lead off base on balls will come around to kill you.”

(Turns out Ron Fairly was a moneyballer before we even knew about moneyball.)

Once you’ve got a grasp on the game, these maxims become annoying and you roll your eyes at the sheer obviousness. In hindsight, I’m realizing that Ron Fairly saw right to the heart of baseball and was able to talk about it in such a simplistic, straight to the point, way that it became easy to dismiss.

But all those years of listening to Ron must have drilled his baseball proverbs into my skull because they get loose and rattle around in there from time to time.

Whenever an infielder bobbled a ball, he would talk about how important it was to stay with the play and not give up after the bobble. The words that seeped into my brain on summer evenings in front of a televised game tap me on my shoulder on a sunny spring afternoon while watching a high school game.

We often forget how easy major leaguers make baseball look. Even the errors aren’t all that egregious. Because I forget this, high school baseball was eye opening in a way I hadn’t expected.

First of all, these kids are good. A little league game, this was not. They made acrobatic plays and hit the ball hard and ran out ground balls (so, it wasn’t exactly a Major League game either).

Then, they’d mess up and I’d be reminded that I wasn’t watching professionals, I was watching high school kids. (Also, they don’t sell beer at the games. Lame.)

I watched a shortstop struggle to get a handle on a ground ball and I’d remember that Ron liked when players stuck with the play. I finally saw the whys and the hows behind everything he said.

I was watching the building blocks of baseball. The players were good enough to make it look easy, but not so seasoned that they didn’t trip over the fundamentals from time to time. Each time they tripped I understood baseball a little better. Each bobbled play I got a little closer to baseball’s soul.

The beauty of baseball is in its easy simplicity. I was surprised to learn that Ron Fairly understood that better than I did.

While pondering Ron, I found that this still exists on the internet, a relic of my Anglefire site. Please forgive the comic sans font. It was the early 2000s and that sort of thing was acceptable then.

I Like That Old Time Rock And Roll

I decided to go to Safeco Field for Opening Night, hoping it would trigger something in me the way it used to.

It didn’t.

I thought I had a few years left before I reached this point. I thought it wouldn’t happen so fast, but last night it did.

I have reached the point in my life where, maybe, perhaps, attending major sporting events just isn’t for me.

It seems like a crazy conclusion for me to draw. I love sports, I breathe sports, I don’t know what I’d do with my time if it wasn’t for sports. And baseball? Baseball is my soul.

The whole experience of attending a baseball game is a tonic. Drinking a beer (if it’s a night game, my day drinking days have long been over), chatting with the person next to me, soaking in the soothing pace and frenzied bursts of action.

Last night, Safeco Field felt more like a nightclub than a baseball game to me.

I get that the Mariners need to attract fans that want more than baseball and this is no knock on that. It’s just not for me. I don’t like loud, pounding, popular music being blasted into my eardrums and vibrating my skull with the force of their booming bass. I don’t want to feel like I need to be drunk to enjoy my time at a game, which the frat party atmosphere seems to require. It seems that those are the things (arguably) that attract an audience to the games. I get it, I really do. It’s just not for me.

I like to read about baseball in the early 20th Century. The players were paid peanuts in the pros and amateurs were everywhere. Towns put together their own teams and played other towns in front of enthusiastic local fans.

My Dad was always a big fan of reverting back to this system for baseball entertainment. I was horrified; I wouldn’t be able to watch games on tv! But, now I get it.

The whole set up sounds amazing. I’d love to cheer on my Hometime Nine in a stadium lacking the frills and popular music of the Major Leagues. A bunch of rabble scrabble players, shucking off the work day. Fans cheering away their life stress. A fight for bragging rights against the next town over.

It sounds like baseball.

It sounds like nostalgia.

And I should probably be careful with it because this sort of baseball just doesn’t exist anymore.

I Can’t Say Something Nice

Nothing brings out my snarky meanness quite like a Mariner’s game. It’s beautiful, really. Those stark white uniforms adorned with Navy Blue and Northwest Green (nee teal) trigger an unconscious dip into the inner recesses of my cynical soul.

It wasn’t long ago that I was one of the Mariner fans agog with the sublime sunniness of Opening Day. I used to fool myself into optimism and happiness and believing that anything could happen. Now, I pity the fools who waste their time with such things.

Silly Mariner fans, hope is for kids.

I see you people with your dreams of .500. I scoff at your belief that Justin Smoak will have his breakout season. I howl in hysterics at your thinking the team doesn’t need starting pitchers or outfielders all because they signed Robinson Cano.

I can barely contain my incredulousness that you think an opening series sweep signals season long success.

Being snarky and cynical is kind of my thing, but I don’t want to be that way about baseball. Baseball is romantic and gooey and the Mariners have infected Major League Baseball with their grossness and I don’t want to lose all of baseball to that.

This baseball season won’t be about the Mariners. There are so many other options for baseball that I don’t need them. The new Husky Ballpark opened, there are two minor league teams within shouting distance, and I’m positive that other magical baseball things exist outside of the Major Leagues.

I’m changing it up and expanding my baseball horizons. Who knows what I’ll find. Maybe something good will come out of the horrid horribleness that is the Mariner’s very existence.

Random Nostalgia: Mi$$ion Accompli$hed

This seems appropriate as Robinson Cano officially becomes a Mariner today. Written my freshman year of college…13 years ago (seriously?!), it’s quite the interesting trip down memory lane, and it’s quite different being on the other side of the fence. I prefer this side.

In 1995 a core group of players became forever imbedded in Mariner fans’ hearts. Much like Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, and Mantle are the classic Yankees, these players were seen as the Mariner players for the ages. Ken Griffey Jr., Edgar Martinez, Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Dan Wilson, and Jay Buhner. Of these six, three stood out. They were superstars. As the new millennium dawns and the haze of euphoria from six years ago has perhaps finally worn off, Mariner fans awaken to the knowledge that these three are gone.

Johnson was the first to go. He left in the middle of controversy and finger pointing that soured the chemistry of the defending division champions. Traded to a contender in the eleventh hour of the trading deadline, his departure left sorrow and anger in its wake. Didn’t he always give his all in every game he pitched? His intensity was legendary, his drive incredible. He returned from back trouble in 1996 to finish second in Cy Young award voting in 1997. He hadn’t had a hint of back trouble since. And yet Mariner brass determined that he was too old, too hindered by “chronic back trouble,” too expensive. They announced that he was to be traded. No contract talks. No negotiations. It was set in stone; the Big Unit would not be a Mariner much longer. He left on July 31, 1998 for Houston. In his free-agent year he was lured to Arizona where he has been nothing short of overpowering.

Nearly as soon as Johnson left, we began to hear whispers about Rodriguez and Griffey. Would they stay or would they go? Every week there was another rumor and more speculation about the situation. Both insisted all they wanted was a chance at a ring, the Holy Grail of baseball. It’s not about the money they insisted. Both had misgivings about the Mariners new ballpark. The fences are too far back; our power numbers will suffer. Both expressed discontent with Mariner management and player development. Then Pat Gillick arrived as the new General Manager to save the day. Possessing baseball savvy that had won World Championships, he began to fill the Mariner roster with roll players, players with solid fundamentals who would complement the power of the big two. But by this point, they had lost Griffey. He demanded a trade to Cincinnati. His abrupt departure stung. The Mariners first legitimate superstar just packed up and left without saying good bye. He had some harsh parting shots, but they were to be expected. After all, in his ten years in Seattle he had often played the spoiled child.

Two of our most loved players had left. We should be used to this by now. Every year another one leaves. Then why does this hurt so much? Losing Arod was an event we all prepared ourselves for. But we thought we knew him. We thought he was, maybe, different from all the other egotistical athletes out there. He seemed to genuinely care about the future of this team. He showed up to play every day. He never bad mouthed teammates or made excuses. He was honest and passionate about the game. He led the new look Mariners to victory in 2000. They won the wild card and earned a trip to the American League Championship Series. We all thought he was serious when he said he wanted to play for a winning team. They finished well over the .500 mark, and proved themselves to be the second best team in the AL. They were a winning team and showed signs of being just as good next year. But more than that, they were his team.

So why all the demands for private jets, shorter distances down the right field line, and ten year contracts? Not about the money? Could have fooled me. If he wanted to play for a winning team, why did he sign with the Rangers? Rafael Palmeiro, in a Sports Center interview, is under the impression that he will add twenty to twenty-five wins to the Rangers paltry 70 in 2000. If one player were capable of an impact that great, then shouldn’t the St. Louis Cardinals be celebrating their third consecutive World Championship? The Rangers have average power, average defense, and average pitching. Yet, they finished below .500. Arod will certainly help out the power and defense, but he is only one player. He can’t defend all nine sides of the diamond. He can’t stop an opposing team’s big inning.

His role in Seattle was to provide some pop from the three hole, amazing defense at shortstop, and leadership. The Mariners have other players who can hit and perform other offensive duties. They have players that can catch and throw. His role with Seattle was to accent these other players and in that way put the Mariner heads above the other teams in their division. The Rangers have too many holes; one player cannot fill them all.

He said he left feeling disappointed in the Mariners offer of a five-year contract. You almost get the feeling that he was leading us on, feeding us these lies about winning in Seattle and wanting to play here. With Griffey it was different. He simply said screw you, and left. Arod said I love you and want to be with you, but still walked out without a word. We’re left feeling betrayed and wondering what happened. It all comes down to one simple truth. Alex Rodriguez is like every other superstar athlete. In the end, greed won out. We were wrong about him and now we look to the next star to lead the Mariners on the field while Arod enjoys his 252 million new best friends. Perhaps this outfielder from Japan, Ichiro Suzuki, will step to the plate and fill the holes in both the roster and our hearts that Alex left.